Greetings from the frigid Northeast!
Unless you've been living under a rock (or live abroad, in the case of the onslaught of Russian readers/spambots that my stats inform me are viewing this blog), you probably know that most of the continental United States has been trapped in the clutches of the ominously-named "Polar Vortex" for the past three weeks or so. For most, this has meant near-record lows for temperature as well as the constant threat of "winter weather events."
Or, as we here in New England like to call it, "winter."*
I have a huge amount of family and friends spread across this great nation of ours, including several who either currently reside in, or are originally from, The South. One of my best friends packed up her shit and moved to Tampa practically before her high school graduation cap hit the ground, and two-thirds of my immediate family are residents of the Lone Star State (one brother is in San Antonio with his family; the rest are in Waco while my sister attends Baylor). There are several more across the country, but they all share a Yankee heritage and have flown the coop simply to avoid this phenomenon called "snow."
A lot of people are giving our Southern friends a hard time because an entire major metropolitan city was brought to a standstill by approximately two inches of snow. This isn't cool, guys. Some of the stuff being said and, more obnoxiously, written, is downright mean. And while I'm as guilty as anyone else of giving the side-eye to the entire situation, it was based not on the actions of (most) individuals, but on the inability for the city and state infrastructure to weather such an event (see what I did there?). To my Yankee brethren, remember how the entire Northeast shut down for Nemo last February? Sure, that was two-three feet of white stuff, but impact-wise, there isn't much difference between two feet in Boston and two inches in Atlanta. We operate annually with snow removal budgets and know from experience to never trust a snow/rain line on the doppler -- but would we know that if we didn't live with it all the time? Of course not, just the same way that I don't know how to deal with 110 degrees and 100% humidity or an actual intense hurricane (which, coincidentally, took down what is arguably the most important city IN THE WORLD last year, as well as an entire coastline that still isn't back to normal). Cool it with the personal attacks already.
That being said, I feel that, as someone with almost 30 years of experience with this situation (and a lover of bad weather), I am qualified to give advice regarding how to survive in a Snowpocalypse, regardless of whether said incident brings 2 inches or 20. Should you find yourself in an impending "snow situation," here are some tips that I've found work for me and most people I know who deal with it on a regular basis.
How to Survive a Snowpocalypse
A few basic rules:
Rule 1: If there is even a single flake falling somewhere in a 100-mile radius, you could get snow and should act accordingly.
Rule 2: Never, ever, EVER trust a meteorologist attempting to predict a snowstorm, especially if he or she uses the phrase, "rain/snow line." This is the weather equivalent of throwing one's hands up in the air and declaring, "HELL IF I KNOW! I just get paid to stand here and talk about the unpredictability of Mother Nature." While you can't control how your city/state/municipality prepares for a snowpocalypse, if there is even the remotest possibility of snow in the forecast, the suggestions below will help if you get slammed.
Preparation:
First off, you need to make sure you're properly prepared for a snow storm. This includes, but is not limited to, stocking up on a few essential items:
Seriously, though -- get yourself a bag of rock salt; a shovel; a good pair of mittens (those are the kind WITHOUT separate fingers -- they look stupid as hell but trust me, they're warmer than gloves); some long underwear (I actually think fleece-lined running tights work best); a pair of boots (order online if you have to. LL Bean: not just for monogrammed dog beds anymore!), and one of these handy little do-dads.
 |
| Source |
Another pro tip? Prior to the predicted storm, take five seconds and pull your windshield wipers up as though you were going to clean the glass; this way, when the snow is over, you can just flip them back down, turn them on and watch as your windshield magically appears with very little effort on your part).
 |
| Like so. |
Most importantly, IF YOU HAVE OIL HEAT, make sure that you have enough oil for the next few days. Now is also a good time to locate your flashlights, candles, blankets, etc., in the event you lose power. I also like to round up my board games and books, because nothing screams "BORING" like sitting in the dark for several hours with nothing to do but stare at each other.
Lastly, you want to be sure you're properly fortified with rations, because the absolute LAST THING IN THE WORLD you want to be doing during a snowstorm is sleeping on the floor of your local supermarket with a bunch of random strangers. For some reason that I assume dates back to World War II, there is this pervasive rumor that once a single snowflake falls, the human body magically switches over and is only able to convert bread, milk and water into fuel. Perhaps I've been doing it wrong, but I usually stock up on the important, shelf-stable food groups (wine, cans of soup, wine, EZ Cheez, crackers, beans, beer, wine) at the beginning of the winter, and I've managed to survive on this planet for almost 30 years, so that's something.
 |
| Don't be this person. |
But what if I've ignored this advice and listened to the weather man, only to find out the storm *is* going to hit so I immediately went to the store three hours before the storm to get my bread and milk and now, after being trapped in Aisle 4 for five hours, my options are to brave the roads or sleep next to the feminine hygiene products?
::Sigh:: You ignored the first rule. Luckily for you, if Northerners didn't learn to drive in the snow, our entire economy would shut down for six months out of the year. So here are some tips:
- Understand the concept of black ice. First up, a clarification: black ice isn't actually black; it's just called that because it's so thin that it isn't visible over pavement.More importantly, it is slippery as hell. Before you even set foot out the door, heed this advice when it comes to ice: just because you can't see it doesn't mean it isn't there. What it *does* mean is that if you aren't extremely careful, you're going to find yourself either in a ditch or (literally) on your ass.
- DRIVE. SLOWLY. I can't overemphasize this enough -- you might be cruising along, thinking "wow these roads look so clean I don't understand what all of the fuss was abo-- SCREEECH!!!!" Remember that black ice we just talked about? Now you can admire it up close, because you're going to be waiting awhile for that tow truck.
- Turn INTO the skid. I speak from thirteen years of experience when I say that there are few things in the world more nerve-wracking than losing your traction on a sheet of ice or packed snow and feeling the back end of your car slide out from underneath you. Generally speaking, you want to steer into the skid, which defies common sense but works. Here is a video demonstration:
Congratulations!
You are now prepared for a snow storm. Now grab your stash of Blizzard Wine and a loved one, heat yourself up a can of soup and settle in for a marathon-viewing of whatever Netflix show suits your fancy
 |
| I'd go with the back shelf, rather than the front. |
Go get 'em, Tiger.
*cue the Russian readers laughing. I don't blame them.
